As those that know me can attest, I can be a pain in the rear end at times. I had gone thru the period of time which now appears typical of "Christian" development, where I knew everything, knew how everyone else should be, and knew they didn't know what I knew. If only the world could have been like me.....what a place it would have been! (ok, even I'm scared by that!). But as I have read of grace, over and over again in Mannings book, and now Yancy's, I seem to recall that when I first came to God, grace was a natural thing. I understood more then of my true nature than I did later. It seems that when Jesus said we needed to be as children, He knew whereof He spoke. As a child Christian, I had no presuppositions of the makings of my faith, and I accepted it as a gift. As I matured (?) I became more sure that I knew things I really didn't know, and sure that everyone not like me, well, just didn't get it!
I remember standing in my new house, I had just bought from my pastor Steve, right next door to his house in the beautiful 'burb of Madison. We were discussing worship and things, and I remember Steve telling me about grace. Wonderful thing this grace, but obviously he didn't really get it, I thought. We've got to whip these people into shape, march in order, just listen to me.......... Grace is fine, but by gosh, these people need some discipline. Oy ve.......
Over the next few years, I became a deacon in the church (sorry to everyone who was deaconated by me!)
I was involved in pretty much everything as I knew I could work my way.....somewhere. You see, as an ex Catholic, I knew that what I really needed was some of those nun's beating me again like in school. (As an aside, I have more respect for the Catholic faith now than I have in years, I guess grace is like that). I became active in youth ministry. Rufus, you need to repent on that decision! :) and I came to Haiti on a short term mission trip. It seems God was not going to let go of this idiot. Haiti got into my blood and it seemed that I had found a place to serve, and I truly know that coming to Haiti was God's will for me. But curiously, I know more than ever, it was not for me to change others, but to be changed. I have lived in a way most Americans wouldn't. (really it isn't that bad here in this misison, there are others far more primitive). I lost the "perks" of American society, the constant distractions and toys to play with. I found myself, after all those years of living alone, living with people in a close situation that has stretched me. And so, in this, thru reading and turning to God, I found grace. That amazing thing I was so unwilling to give to others once I truly "knew" what it was to be Christian, has become so real to me, or at least is starting to.
(Tony, short term missionary, working with Christelle. She has failed 7th grade 2x in states, was sent to Haiti. Now she is passing tests, and knows she is not a "dummy", but someone who can learn. )
There are so many opportunities to give grace, and so many more to need grace. I think Yancy is right when he says it is the defining aspect of Christianity, of following Jesus, is giving grace and forgiveness when none is deserved. The stories of people whose lives had been destroyed, at least in the "worldly" aspect, who found the ability to forgive and live in grace, are truly amazing, and the things that truly make Jesus alive for me more than anything. I think God has been speaking to me, and finally, maybe, I've listened a little. You know all the "peace and joy, blah, blah, blah......." we routinely spout as "Christians"? Well, it seems a lot more real to me now. Even when it seems things are not going how I would want, I have a reserve to fall back on, a place to go where I can know it really is all ok, and not because the circumstances will change. It is ok because Jesus loves me, and I truly understand this, or am begininng to, for the first time. I know I told some of you I would not be so spiritual this year, so please forgive me. It seems that this is where I live here, and actually, I kind of like it. It seems I am more free than I have ever been, and I like it. Why, I even tasted a Haitian beer here recently, and, who knew, hellfire and brimstone didn't fall out of the sky!!! so, life goes on in Haiti, school moves on to Christmas break, and while life isn't perfect, it seems more stable, the circumstances don't rock the boat the way it used to. Why, Madison even seems like a place to be thankful for now! How's that for grace? :)
(kids practicing for Christmas play)
Dieu benis ou,
Dan
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