As I have gone thru this walk here in Haiti this year so far, I have learned so much about other people, and about myself. It appears to me that separation from those things that I have valued most in my life has led me to a different place in my relationship with God. Here in Haiti there is work to do, and little social interaction with others, at least so far in this walk. The missionary meetings are good, and the occasional excursion to do things necessary is a welcome diversion.
However there is much "down" time to think, and I think that is where I have been for awhile now. I have always been sort of a loner, but this is the most extensive period of separation from the world I have ever had. Granted I am writing this on a computer hooked to the internet, so I am not totally isolated, but you get the idea. During this time there have obviously been up times and down times, but in all of them God is there. He has led me to a point of wanting to study discipleship and finding out what it is to really get over myself...or at least a lot more than I had in the past. This period of "silence" for lack of another word, has led me to new places, wanting new things, different things in my life. I want more of God in my life.
Now before anyone goes off and thinks something super spiritual about this, know that I am also more than a bit scared of this. I know that when Jesus was here on earth He gave us a model of how to live and love....and He did it in relationship with the sinners and poorest of the poor. This to some degree upsets my Western comfort sensibilities. I like the internet.....and music.....and the grocery store. :) But it seems that maybe God will replace those things..in the degree they are lost...with something new, different, maybe even better.
In reading a book on Mother Teresa, she said something that kind of sticks with me. It seems that in working with the poor, her outlook was not just that we are there to solve all the problems, but to just be with them in their poverty and suffering. Jesus healed and did miracles...but He didn't solve poverty did He? That has always been sort of a sticking point to me, but I am beginning to understand it....some. It seems that in my search here, the sources I have to study talk of not just solving problems, but living in community with others, which seems to be just what Jesus did. He didn't just take the weight of sin and say "See? All gone!". He lived in community with the poor, sinners, thieves, prostitutes and gave them hope. When I think of Him bearing my sin, I understand it a different way now. He didn't just take it away....He lived in it with me.
The conversations that go on in the missionary field cover so many topics, ranging from money to malaria to diarrhea. Fun stuff. I have been looking for solutions for problems and that is not necessarily a bad thing, but I am beginning to think that just being part of the community of people and sharing your faith and your love every lousy day is worth far more than handing out a few bucks. The hope of the disciples was wound up in the presence of Jesus, not His checkbook of miracles. Maybe He wants us to be His presence in the world of pain and suffering, giving hope and love to those who need it most. Maybe He wants us to live like He did and depend on Him to provide our most basic needs while we provide the most basic needs of others.. hope and love and community. I will ponder this for awhile, let God take me where He will, and share as it develops. It sounds like "breaking news.....", while in truth it is the oldest plan in the world. God wants to live with us, and now He wants us to live with those who need Him for Him. Maybe there is a whole new place there, a whole new world to see in those faces of people who suffer. A better place. Scary stuff for me, although I am pretty sure God can handle my fears. "updates as more information becomes available.....". :)
Djebenis tout moun. Really.
Sin can be interpreted in many ways. It could be that sin to one is ignorance, lack of guidance or simple abandonment while to another it is just plain SIN; as in, "Oh, my golly, that person sinned, get the stones!"...or to run away as fast as you can.
ReplyDeleteThe true test of of wanting to be a child of God comes from facing your fears of Him AND the so-called sinner - it doesn't rub off and not everyone needs to take the same journey to know Him.
What you said about Mother Teresa was spot on, something we learned in grade school, however, I seriously doubt she carried around a stick to deal with the "bad" kids; rather, I believe she inspired the song "Teach Your Children Well.", even though that song originated in the Peace, Love, Dove times.
After all, isn't God all about love? It's just an endless ever-widening circle, isn't it; we do what we have to to survive, spiritually and emotionally, sometimes all alone, and it all comes back to interpretation.
Your writings are showing where you're going in your journey, and even though you don't know me, I'm proud of you. You're getting there. Be strong and listen to yourself, even if you say something you don't want to hear. Bad times and suffering can lead you to a place of happiness and the peace you're so desperately seeking, which is not a bad thing.
Know that your sins have been forgiven; not a bad feeling, is it? Pay it forward.