Saturday, Oct 11

I haven't thought this out much, I am just shooting from the hip here, so if there are parts that don't make sense, please overlook that. (those that know me will understand). As I have been here for a little time now, I have thought and discussed with people about missions and the work here. I came with a focus on what I had specifically agreed to do here, teach in school even though I had never really taught before. My students I'm sure wish I had taught somewhere before! But as I have relaxed a little and gotten used to the life and how things work here, I gain a wider focus. I look more at the people and the culture and myself and my culture and my beliefs. I do not question my beliefs about Jesus and God, this life even more so reinforces those thoughts. What I begin to question is how I interpreted them from my middle American lifestyle and, again, culture.

Having been here several times previously, I learn a little more each time about myself and others. The Haitian way is often completely at odds with what I see as common sense. As I gain my wider focus, I can see that some of that is probably my own biases about what I expect out of life. I also see that some of it is because Haitian ways are, at times, contradictory and self defeating. Haiti is not a perfect country and I do not fall into the group that see's all people groups as honorable and perfect. If Haitian ways were that wonderful, then the country would not have the problems it has now. Despite what many will say, America has not caused all the problems in the world, most people cause the majority of their own problems. We have created our problems in America because of our own views and mistakes, and to think that Haiti has not done the same is not being honest. However I can see that some Haitian ways are challenging me in what I "believe" or expect of this process called life. As I came here I fully expected myself to change and I am. Maybe not fast enough for those who really know me!

As I said I have been here several times. Part of what I am learning is that my expectations for what God would have me do here has changed. In reading the book about Brother Lawrence (Practicing the Presence of God) he has a very interesting point. He said it isn't that God will judge you by how amazing your work is, just in how much you love when you do it. I am losing my "I need to fix stuff" attitude because I can't fix myself, let alone a nation. I am focusing on today and doing what is here as best I can, while trying dilligently to always make enough time for me to talk with God and to listen for answers. I am aware that my attitude of expectation limits what God can do with me and thru me. Brother Lawrence just did what he was called to do each day, and he tried to do it with as much love for God as he could, realizing he would fail at times and not being horrified when he did. He almost expected to fail and sin at times because he recognized sin as his own nature. As I do. So as I recognize more and more the lack of any outstanding accomplishment I can do for God (I am pretty sure He is ok w/o me) I become more able to not try to DO for Him as much as RELY on Him. I wonder how many short term missionaries (and I aware of more than a few) have come into a place and had THEIR idea's about what God needed them to do for Him, and never released themselves into God's grace or provision for the moment. In Matthew Jesus was asked what was the greatest commandment and He answered to love the Lord your God with all your heart, AND to love your neighbor as yourself. In fact Jesus said that the WHOLE of the message of the book and the prophets was encompassed in this. Jesus linked the spiritual life of loving God with all your heart and seeking Him, with our earthly duties of loving our neighbor.

How we do that seems to be the crux of the matter. When we seperate the spiritual from the earthly we are unbalanced, im my opinion. Missions work to accomplish goals w/o total reliance on God, and willingness to follow a new plan He may give, is useless both for ourselves and the people we seek to "help", i.e., make more like us. And how do we honor God when we seek Him at the cost of refusing to accept, or limiting our lives in the physical world which God gave us? Again, it seems I am left at "getting over myself" and seeing that the people around me are an extension of God. not that they are perfect, as I am certainly not and Brother Lawrence recognized only too well. But the people God has put in front of us are there FOR A REASON, I firmly believe. whether it is to help, or lift up, or be brutally honest with ( in love again) depends. I hope that I can do some good w/o damaging the work that has been already accomplished before me. Because if Ido that , then how do am I putting God first, or loving my neighbor? I wish God would give me shorter thoughts, my fingers can't keep with this! something along the lines of my hair length would be appreciated Lord. :) bye for now.